There I was on a Wednesday night, 8pm sitting in my folding chair at the soccer park with an energy drink in my hand, trying to soak in one of those fleeting parenting moments I know won’t last forever. I only have a few more years left.
The sun was starting to dip. The wind was picking up.
The lights were warming up over the field.
My daughter’s homework and my own day’s paperwork still waited at home.
Our team parents are all showing up, happy to share what’s going well so far this week.
Everyone was tired from school, work, traffic, dinner, and life. But there we all were anyway, showing up for our kids. For those that don’t know, my daughter is 13 and plays on a soccer team that I genuinely appreciate being part of. The girls are encouraged to work hard, build skills, support each other, and above all show respect. It’s competitive, yes, but in a healthy way. The kind of environment where kids grow not just as athletes, but as people.
I happened to be sitting in my favorite space, yes, I was in my happy place, right on the center line. To my left were the parents from our side. To my right were the parents from the opposing team. Already yelling out at their players before the game started. And the contrast during warm-up was hard to ignore.
The parents on the other side were loud. Angry loud.
Constantly yelling.
Talking down to their girls.
Being unkind towards our girls as they pass.
Loudly criticizing mistakes.
Arguing calls.
Commenting on our girls’ mistakes, their every move.
One time the ref asked them to “knock it off.”
….And their coach eventually earned himself a yellow card after aggressively telling the ref he didn’t know what he was doing.
On the field, it spilled over into their team girls’ behavior too.
There was smack talking our girls
Aggressive play.
Eye rolling.
Unkind comments to their own players
One player even made an unnecessary comment to one of our parents who was reacting to her own child.
Then came the end-of-game line where the girls walk by each other saying “good game.” Except our girls walked away, stunned, after a girl on the other team made an unnecessary comment to her.
And honestly, sitting there as both a mom and a therapist, my heart hurt a little. Because these are kids.
Let me repeat. Kids. At a weeknight soccer game.
Kids whose brains and nervous systems are still developing.
Kids who spent all day at school already navigating stress, peer dynamics, expectations, and exhaustion.
Kids who are trying to figure out confidence, identity, belonging, emotional regulation, and self-worth all at the same time.
Youth sports are supposed to help shape character. Teach teamwork. Build resilience.
Youth sports help kids learn how to handle disappointment, effort, mistakes, and success. Somewhere along the way, many adults forgot that.
As a child and adolescent therapist, I see this dynamic play out far beyond the soccer field. Children absolutely absorb far more than our words. Our kids and their friends absorb our nervous systems. Our tone. Our reactions. Our ability, or inability, to regulate ourselves when things do not go our way.
They are watching how we handle frustration.
They are watching how we speak about authority figures.
They are watching how we respond when someone makes a mistake.
They are watching whether competition means growth or humiliation.
When adults scream at referees, insult coaches, belittle children, or model aggression, kids learn that pressure justifies disrespect. When adults stay grounded, encourage effort, model accountability, and show emotional control, kids learn that character matters more than the scoreboard.
That does not mean parents cannot be passionate.
It does not mean coaches cannot be intense.
It does not mean players cannot be competitive.
But there is a difference between intensity and intimidation.
There is a difference between teaching grit and teaching aggression.
And there is a difference between building athletes and building emotionally healthy humans.
Sometimes I think adults forget what it felt like to be a tween or teen. To already be self-conscious. To desperately want approval. To worry about fitting in. To replay mistakes in your head long after the game ends.
A harsh comment from a coach may roll off an adult’s back…but a humiliating moment from a parent in the crowd may stay with a child for years.
The truth is, most kids will not become professional athletes.
But every single one of them will become adults.
And what they carry from these experiences matters.
I want my daughter to learn how to work hard.
How to handle losing.
How to stay disciplined.
How to be coachable.
How to compete with integrity.
How to respect people even when emotions are high.
But just as importantly, I want her to learn how to treat people. Because long after the uniforms no longer fit and the medals collect dust somewhere in storage, character is what remains.
So maybe this is the reminder:
These are children.
This is a game.
On a school night.
Under bright lights.
With tired bodies and developing brains.
And the adults on the sidelines are still some of the loudest teachers on the field.
And, I wouldn’t be a therapist without saying, this is also where mental health support for the family can make a difference, especially for parents and caregivers. Because parenting in high-pressure environments is hard. Youth sports can bring out pride, excitement, connection, and joy. But they can also bring out anxiety, frustration, competitiveness, fear, comparison, and emotional reactions that adults may not even realize they are carrying.
As therapists, we often see that what happens on the sidelines is not really about the missed goal, the referee call, or the scoreboard. Sometimes it is stress. Sometimes it is burnout. Sometimes it is unresolved pressure from our own childhood experiences. Sometimes it is fear of our child failing, struggling, being left out, or not reaching their potential. And when adults are dysregulated, kids feel it.
Counseling and mental health support can help parents learn how to:
- Stay regulated during stressful moments
- Respond instead of react
- Model healthy emotional control
- Support their child without shaming or pressuring them
- Separate their child’s performance from their worth
- Build connection instead of fear-based motivation
- Create emotionally safe environments where kids can grow
Because the goal is not just to raise successful athletes.
The goal is to raise healthy humans.
Kids deserve adults who can teach effort without humiliation.
Accountability without aggression.
Competition without cruelty.
And sometimes the strongest thing a parent can do is pause long enough to ask: “What am I modeling right now?”
Our kids and teens are listening to far more than our cheers from the sidelines. They are learning how to handle stress, conflict, disappointment, mistakes, authority, and relationships by watching us.
If you are noticing stress, pressure, emotional reactions, conflict, or overwhelm showing up in your family, support matters. Sometimes having a space to process, reflect, and learn healthier ways to respond can change not only the environment on the field, but the emotional climate at home too.
Youth sports should build character, connection, confidence, and memories. Not fear. Not shame. Not emotional wounds kids carry into adulthood.