So you found out someone you care about is dealing with infertility.
First of all, thanks for being here! If you’re reading this you must care a lot about supporting this person and they are so lucky to have you on their side. If you’ve been struggling to come up with the words to help them, let me assure you that is so completely normal. None of us are born with the knowledge of how to deal with every heartbreaking scenario that might come our way.
Good news! You don’t have to have the perfect words. What you need likely rests in the connection you already have with this person. Everyone’s fertility journey is different and I don’t speak for everyone. But here are some things your loved one might want you to keep in mind.
You Don’t Have to Fix It
I know you want to. I love you for wanting to. This is probably what everyone have most in common. We both want a solution and feel helpless against the uncertainty of the future.
Someone going through infertility might say: I assure you, I’ve tried the “solutions.” It must be so painful to feel helpless next to me and my struggle. But I want you to know it feels good to have you there. Just knowing you’re next to me is enough. An arm around my shoulder, a box of tissues at your side. That’s what I need more than any words or possible solutions.
So instead of “why not just adopt?” or “if you stop trying it’ll just happen” try these instead:
“I’m here for you”
“If you need to just vent, I can listen”
“If you want to go somewhere and talk about ANYTHING I got you”
I’m Moody
Your friend or loved one might be thinking:
I’m so mad this is happening to me.
I’m terrified treatment won’t work.
I’m filled with longing every time the secretary at work walks by with her cute baby bump in all it’s glory.
I’m excited about the follicle count from my last ultrasound.
I’m disappointed that most of my eggs were immature.
I’m sore from injecting hormones.
I’m tired from staying awake wondering if my embryo transfer will succeed.
I’m all the feelings, all the time, in rapid succession!!!!!
Infertility is a legitimate roller coaster and if they’re taking hormones….WOW. Watch out. Please be patient with them and know that their mood changes aren’t directed at you. But please don’t avoid them either. They desperately want to feel normal and you treating them like you always have helps with that even when it doesn’t seem to.
Please, please, please no toxic positivity
“Everything happens for a reason”
“I know someone who did X, Y, and Z and everything worked out perfectly”
“Just think positively!!”
You mean well. I know you do. But if you can just sit in the muck with me without trying to “positive vibes” me past my feelings, I’ll be so grateful for it.
Respect Boundaries
Fertility is a very personal journey. Not just for those struggling. Please be mindful of your questions and respect their decision not to share. If they do confide in you, please hold trust as sacred and only share with others Having trustworthy relationships in our corner is so strengthening.
Leave YOUR Expectations Out
This is a biggie. Another reminder that fertility is personal and there is no “right way” to make a family. Several factors influence decisions around how anyone responds to infertility including time, age, money, culture, religion, medical access, physical impediments, emotional bandwidth, and gut instinct. Decisions about how to proceed have been labored over and thought to death so if you haven’t been explicitly asked to share your opinion please refrain.
Here are some things to say when a loved one shares their decision with you:
“How are you feeling about that?”
“I know you’ve made the right decision for you”
“How can I help?”
“Let’s go get tacos and relax”
Again, thanks for showing up for your loved one during an emotionally exhausting time in their lives. Infertility can feel so isolating. I’m glad you’re here.